Self-soothing: what it is and how to do it when your head is too full

Self-soothing is the small, deliberate things you do to calm your own nervous system when it has gone into alarm. Not fixing the problem, not talking yourself out of the feeling. Comfort first, thinking later.

Babies learn it. Most of us were never taught the adult version, so on a bad day we reach for whatever is nearest: the phone, the fridge, the fourth coffee, pushing through. Self-soothing is the kinder version of that reach, and it is a skill, which means it gets easier with practice.

I use it myself, most days. This is the version I teach, and the one the journal in the shop is built around.

It is worth knowing how ordinary this is. Around one in five adults in England has a common mental health problem like anxiety or depression in any given week (Adult Psychiatric Morbidity Survey 2023/24, via Mind), and most were never taught what to do with their own nervous system on a bad afternoon. That is what this page is for.

What does self-soothing mean for an adult?

It means giving your body a signal that it is safe enough to stand down, using something you can see, hear, touch, smell or taste. The idea comes from a set of skills called DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy), where “self-soothe with the five senses” is one of the ways to get through a hard moment without making it worse.

The feeling does not have to go away for it to have worked. If you are a little calmer than you were five minutes ago, it worked.

head too fullsettled enough to think

How do you self-soothe? Five ways in, one per sense

Pick one. You do not need all five, and you do not need to do them well.

1. See. Look at something you find restful: a photo, the sky, a plant, a candle flame, a colouring page. Let your eyes rest on it a while longer than feels natural.
2. Hear. One song you love, rain sounds, the kettle, your own slow breath out. Or quiet, if noise is the problem.
3. Touch. A warm shower, a soft jumper, a blanket over your knees, a hand on your chest, your feet flat on the floor. Warm water on your hands is a good one if you only have a minute.
4. Smell. Something you like the smell of: a hand cream, coffee, clean sheets, a cut lemon, fresh air at the door.
5. Taste. A hot drink, held with both hands and drunk slowly. A mint. Something you enjoy, eaten with attention rather than on autopilot.

The trick is doing it on purpose. A cup of tea you drink while scrolling is a cup of tea. A cup of tea you drink while noticing the warmth and the taste is self-soothing.

What is the difference between self-soothing and grounding?

They overlap and I use both. Grounding is about coming back to the present when your mind has run off ahead of you, and the 5-4-3-2-1 method is the well-known version. Self-soothing is about comfort: turning the alarm down rather than proving to yourself where you are. On a bad day I often ground first, then soothe.

Why does writing help?

Writing about what is weighing on you, for fifteen minutes or so a few times a week, lowered anxiety and distress within a month in one trial of adults with anxiety (Smyth and colleagues, JMIR Mental Health, 2018). I did not know that when I started; I knew only that it helped. The full guide to journaling for anxiety has the how.

When my head is too full, the thoughts go round and round because they have nowhere to land. Writing them down gives them somewhere to go. You do not have to write well, or in sentences, or anything you would show anyone. Scribbles count. Lists count. One word counts.

A few things that help when the blank page feels like too much:

• Start with what your body is doing right now, not what you are worried about. “Shoulders up round my ears. Jaw tight.”
• Write the worry down, then ask: is this something I can do anything about? That one question is the whole of the Worry Tree, and it is free on your phone.
• Finish with one small soothing thing you will do next, from the five above.

A journal made for the days your head is too full

For years I made my own journals by hand to get through my own anxiety and low days. My anxiety journal, the Self-Soothing Journal, is that journal, printed properly: the calming skills up front (5-4-3-2-1 grounding, mindful breathing, the emotions wheel, the Worry Tree), then 100-odd pages of space to pour everything out, with gentle prompts for when you do not know where to start and colouring pages for when words will not come.

It is Wire-O bound so it lies flat and stays open where you left it, printed in the UK on thick pages, and nothing has to be done a certain way: crayons, glue, photos, scribbling things out, all welcome. Printed for you when you order; the price and delivery are on the shop page.

It is educational self-help, not therapy or medical advice. If today feels heavier than a few minutes of soothing can hold, please talk to someone. The helplines at the bottom of this page are there for exactly that.